Tensions and conflict are inevitable in life, whether in personal relationships, the workplace, or within ourselves. One of my guiding principles is: “Peace is not the absence of conflict, it’s the effective management of it.” (Of course, peace does mean the absence of violence, in any of its forms!)

 

When conflict arises, effective resolution requires openness, adaptability, and - perhaps most importantly - curiosity. It's crucial to approach the situation with genuine interest in understanding both our own and others’ perspectives. One of the best tools for fostering this curiosity is effective questioning.

 

The Power of Open-Ended Questions

 

Open-ended questions - those that can’t be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ - are invaluable in conflict resolution. They support rapport-building, deepen understanding, and facilitate collaborative solution-finding. However, not all open-ended questions are created equal. In particular, ‘how’ and ‘what’ questions tend to be the most powerful.

​

Why Focus on ‘How’ and ‘What’ Questions?

​

Both ‘how’ and ‘what’ questions help us go beyond surface-level issues and tap into deeper layers of the conflict, such as core needs, values, or identities. These are the areas where real (over superficial) healing, recognition, and collaborative problem-solving happen. By focusing on these deeper aspects, we can steer clear of the blame game and get to the heart of the matter.

 

Here are just a few examples of ‘how’ and ‘what’ questions that can guide effective conflict resolution:

​

• How can we create and hold an environment of respect and empathy during this conversation?

• What is the situation like for you? How is it impacting you? What would you like to understand about the situation as I see it, and the impact it’s having on me?

• What assumptions or misunderstandings might we both have made that could have contributed to the conflict

• How can we ensure that both of our core needs and interests are acknowledged
  and considered as we work toward a solution?

​

These questions are powerful because they help keep the conversation respectful and open. They encourage reflection, rather than triggering a defensive response.

​

Why Avoid ‘Why’ Questions in Conflict Situations?

​​

While ‘why’ questions can be useful in many contexts, they should be used with care in conflict resolution. Asking “Why did you do that?” or “Why didn’t you…?” can put the other person on the defensive, making them feel as though they need to justify themselves. This often leads to a threat response (fight, flight, or freeze) and shuts down the possibility for productive dialogue. In these situations, ‘why’ questions can inadvertently escalate the
conflict by making the other person feel blamed or criticised.
 

Instead, focus on ‘how’ and ‘what’ to create a space where both parties can openly explore the situation without feeling attacked.

​

Call to Action

As you prepare for a challenging conversation, take a moment to think about the types of questions you could ask to support collaborative solution finding. Consider framing your questions in terms of ‘how’ and ‘what’ and be mindful of avoiding closed or accusatory ‘why’ questions.

​

Robyn Hill is an accredited mediator, a facilitator and coach of courageous, challenging or necessary conversation professional learning, and a facilitator of important meetings and conversations. She is also the Director of Courageous Conversations NZ.​​